Healing Words

Part 7 in a series on Power Dynamics in Leadership

Some of my lowest moments have occurred because of conversations with or on behalf of a past boss or leader. Harsh or unjust critical words can echo in one’s memories forever. What makes it hard to set those words aside, even years later, is when there is a partial truth that the criticism is based on.

I also have some hard, but warmer memories of conversations with others where I became aware of something about myself that needed to change. I can remember tears streaming down my face and sadness at the realizations of how I’d unintentionally hurt someone as the confronting friend attempted to help me see myself through the eyes of others.

What’s different about those sets of memories? In the first instance, I know with some confidence that the person being critical of me wanted me to feel small. They saw flaws as shackles that I am trapped in, and they seemed to want shame in response. In the second example, I knew throughout the hard conversation that the goal was to excise my sin and to help me grow.

Getting stabbed by a mugger or sliced open by a surgeon both involve a sharp edge and blood, but the goal of the person wielding the blade is vastly different. One aims to kill or harm and the other to heal and help. The next name for God in our list is Jehovah Rapha, or God who Heals.

In Exodus 15, after crossing the Red Sea, the people of God come up to a stream of bitter water at Marah, water where God shows Himself again to them by making it sweet and refreshing. He closes the chapter of the story by referring to Himself as Yahweh Who heals.

This is not the only time that God uses water to show His healing power. He does this with Elisha in 2 Kings 2 . The image of water as healing is beautiful and carries with it the idea of cleaning and purifying in addition to removing what is ill.

The Hebrew rapha gets translated elsewhere as physician, and we often hear Jesus or God referred to as the Great Physician. He heals. He heals not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Ps. 147:3)

As a leader of people, in most cases you’re not going to be in a place to provide someone with physical healing, though you will have some opportunities to support people in their physical frailties and needs. Most of your opportunities to be a healer are with your words.

Think of interactions you’ve had where there was an obvious intent at building you up: whether for something that was done well, or something that needed to change. The power imbalance between you and those you serve as a leader only intensifies the ability to harm and demean others with your critical feedback. What are some ways that you can provide healing words for your direct reports?

First off, no matter what the conversation is, make sure your words display a sincere, caring heart when you speak to anyone whose work has been put under your purview. If your goal in the conversation is to make the person feel bad for a wrong move, that will be obvious to her or him in every word you say. And they will remember how you made them feel. Be self consciously people and solution focused when you need to have difficult conversations.

Second: know your team members well. This is especially crucial when giving corrective or critical feedback. Think about your own personal growth struggles. I’d guess, like me, most of these will be things you struggled with multiple times over your career. When someone else brings up one of those struggles to you, it hurts just a little bit more because you’ve been attacking that flaw for some time.

Often, maybe even usually, a specific weakness is actually a talent or super-power that’s getting exercised at an inappropriate time and getting in the way of success. One of my top strengths is communication. There are lots of times, particularly in collaborative meetings and conversations, when talking a lot is absolutely the wrong thing to do. It took some time for me to learn to rein in my natural inclinations in contexts where it wasn’t helpful.

A good leader will know to address problems like this in a way that gives appreciation for the talent. Highlight when it’s helpful, encourage restraint when it’s not. Provide helpful, real-time feedback so the person can get the right direction to grow.

Words can help and heal, or they can slice and harm. It is especially easy to harm others when you have power over others that have been taken advantage of, or harmed by leaders in the past. God’s Words to us are kind and edifying: and your words as a leader should be the same. When someone on your team is struggling, whether in performance or life, use your words to heal.